Happy Anniversary!

Today is the two-year anniversary of the day of my diagnosis.

I confess, I don't really know where to begin. I read through my entire caringbridge blog over the past few days. I am so grateful to have that as a reminder of some things...things I had forgotten, shoved away to the very darkest recesses of my mind. Not that these memories were bad, but they are almost like the experiences of another person. That wasn't me, I didn't go into the hospital barely holding on to the last vestiges of life, only to be diagnosed with leukemia. It wasn't me who spent the next few months in and out of the hospital. I think when my hair grew back I put that person away in the back of my mind with all my other...not unpleasant, but difficult memories.

This does have a happy ending, I promise. While reading over my caringbridge journal, I realized that it is okay to remember things like that. In fact, it is necessary. What was the point of all those experiences if I don't remember them and USE them in my life?

Actually these thoughts have been going on for a while, especially since coming out to school. The only person I told for the first few months was my Bishop. I started telling this or that person after I felt like I knew them well enough. You all know me well enough to know that I'm not a terribly secretive person. I'm fine with talking about treatment, what it does to me, how I'm feeling, etc. I didn't wear a wig because I felt like it would be hiding what really was going on in my life. I think that choosing not to tell people made my first few months out here a lot harder than they should have been. For instance, one night, we had a party at my house. Well, I hadn't been feeling well and was mostly keeping to my room...until I started throwing up. When it stopped for a moment, I went out into the kitchen to get a cup and some water so I could take a zofran (anti-nausea pill), but I had to walk through all the people to get to the kitchen. I really didn't have any energy to spare on trying to look like everything was alright, and so people probably ended up with the impression that I was in a foul mood. Not to mention it was difficult trying to throw up quietly.

A little while ago Jessica and I decided that it was time--that she is fine with people knowing, and I as well. Since then, I feel twenty pounds lighter. If someone asks about my hair, instead of being evasive or changing the subject, I just tell them the truth. (there have been quite a few instances where people asked either what made me decide to cut my hair so short, if I had ever had it long, if it is naturally curly etc and I answered in such a way that I'm sure they went away with the impression that I am either extremely odd or perhaps not the brightest crayon)

Overall, it has been a great two years. I'm not kidding, I'm not exaggerating; these past two years have been absolutely amazing and I am so grateful for them. I love each one of you; thank you for keeping up with me, and praying for me.

In case I don't post again before Christmas, MERRY CHRISTMAS! Now, go bake some cookies!

If you give a mouse a cookie...

Today I took my English final. A bit more writing than I expected, but now thinking about it, I should have realized it would be mostly writing, you know, being an ENGLISH final. Oh well, I think I did fairly well on it.


Before eating dinner, I had planned on running to Wal-Mart to pick up some pictures I ordered online. It was supposed to be a quick trip, the only other thing I needed being a gallon of milk. I'm probably the worst grocery shopper I've ever met. But stories of my shopping incompetency will have to be another blog entry.

Six cans of soup, a box of crackers, loaf of bread, muenster cheese, yogurt, granola, clothes hangers, lemon juice, pasta sauce, one gallon of milk and some various other things that were "on sale" later, I straggled out of Wal-Mart. Having an unexplainable ineptitude of choosing the line that will take the longest, I stood waiting for more than 40 minutes. I think the couple in front of me were attempting to single handedly increase the profit of Wal-Mart.

I felt my eyes glaze over as I leaned against my cart and tried to drown out the repeated intercom announcements of "We need a CSM in Fabrics" "A customer is waiting in the fish section" "All CSM's to the front of the store"........AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I am sure that they, and many of you, are very grateful for Wal-Mart. It truly is a one-stop shop for all your possible Christmas needs, but Wal-Mart should not only have a "15 items or less" line, but also a "40 items or more" line.



I am NEVER going to Wal-Mart again. Except to pick up the photos I already paid for. And maybe another gallon of milk...

How Finals Stole Christmas

As you can see, I'm trying to feel Christmas-y. It is emphatically not working. Two words: FINALS. (har har)

With Christmas just twelve...eleven now that it is after midnight, days away, I can't even FORCE myself to be in a Christmas mood. This is just not natural. I find myself kept awake late at night contemplating the sacred rituals of the Himba, the significance of snow in The Dead, and trying to remember the main character's name in "The Things They Carried." Not very conducive either to a good night's sleep or to planning Christmas festivities. I am starting to feel decidedly Grinch-like. Ban all Christmas movies! To heck with frosting sugar cookies! Presents? Tosh! All I want for Christmas is a good thesis on "three aspects of human life/human experience that are common to all people, why they are universal, and what this tells us about human beings" (!!!)

I can hear you (lucky!) college graduates thinking "you should have started that paper earlier." Well, I did. However, my Professor, no doubt feeling that a pressure-cooker rather than a crock-pot (I hope my food analogies are understandable) being more conducive to well thought out arguments, decided not only to change the prompt for the final paper, but also to split it into TWO papers. Yes, it has morphed not once but twice. I'm afraid of going to sleep only to wake up and see that the monster has grown yet another head.

The odd thing about this is that I have completely fallen in love with Anthropology. Next semester I am signed up for Anthropology 309: Language and Culture. If you get a chance, read "Knowing Moral Knowledge To Be True" by David P. Crandall (my Professor). It's a serious article, definitely not light reading, but definitely worth it. I am actually considering an Anthropology major!

In love with Anthropology or not, my dreams, if I ever get so lucky as to fall asleep, will be punctuated by nightmares of being stranded in sub-Saharan Africa in a tribe speaking a Khoisan ("click") language...but I will awake to find the real nightmare waiting--the fact that I still have to WRITE about them! If you ask me, I'd take the stranding any day!

Misery!!!

I have to say, today has been one of those days I hope does not happen again for a VERY long time. But, let's not even go there since it's just about over.

Now for the good news.....check me out: http://www.leukemia-lymphoma.org/all_page.adp?item_id=484179 yep! That's me!!!

I hope that made your Tuesday happier, it sure did mine!!!

P.S. The photo was taken by my all-time favorite photographer Melanie Mauer! I know she'll be your favorite too, so check her out at www.melaniemauer.com :)